*sigh*

I'm so stupid. 

I'm so torn. 

I love him. 

I know he loves me, 

but

 he's not here

and you are. 

(sort of)

He loves me, 

but

He doesn't say 

(anymore)

how

pretty

smart

funny

beautiful

I am 

(anymore).

I know he still feels that-

but you

say

it

and it's only words

(and nothing more)

and it makes all the difference.

I don't know if you're 

heaven sent

or 

from the other guy, but

you make me feel 

a way

that i haven't

in a long time.

It' s so dumb.

'Cause i know better. 

It's wrong

and 

I know better.

What a distraction you are.

My common sense goes out the door, 

And you make me feel sixteen again. 

Much like he did, 

before. 

You are 

dangerous. 

And yet

I cannot resist. 

Please, 

don't destroy me;

Or help me

to destroy

myself. 

My First Love

You were my first love. 

In times of distress, you have always been there. 

Others have left you for bigger, newer, faster things.

They change, yet you, you remain the same. 

You comfort me. 

I love your smell. 

The way you feel. 

The front of you.

The back of you. 

The inside, or essence, of you

keeps me effortlessly entertained. 

What would I have done without you all these years?

You helped me escape

when times were rough. 

You created worlds with me.

Those worlds will forever belong to only us. 

I shall not leave you behind 

as others have.

You have been my most consistent companion. 

You have made me feel different emotions

from elation to depression. 

And yet, I thank you for that. 

No matter what happens, 

no matter what becomes

"mainstream"

in this world.

I shall remain with you,

My first love,

the written word-

THE PAPERBACK BOOK.

My first love. 

I am not a delicate flower

I am not a

delicate flower

I am not 

the weaker sex

I am not 

overly emotional

or 

inherently illogical

I am strong

I am

rational

I can be

aggressive 

"When I need to be"

However

as a 

modern woman

I also

have

a choice.

A voice.

I can be 

strong

rational

aggressive

assertive-

Unless 

I choose

to be 

a delicate flower.

Then I can be

The power

lies in 

the choice. 

Uncertainty

Life in itself

is 

an adventure.

Who in their right minds

wants to know

what 

tomorrow brings?

A little 

uncertainty

makes life 

interesting. 

People say in 

hindsight

"I wish I had known"

But

if things

-experiences-

good or bad, 

do not occur,

how can one

grow from 

missed

occurrences?

If  one could

-and would-

choose to bypass

certain happenings in 

life,

Wouldn't it be 

like

tearing a page

out of 

a book?

Which is Worse?

I don't know what's worse.

Is it the fact that 

You try to make me feel 

less than

because

I 

am not

thin

or blonde

or 

supermodel beautiful

or 

video vixen thick.

My hair does not grow

down 

it grows

up and out

I don't have the 

cute lil button nose

or flat abs

I 

am not

the girl on TV
or 

In the magazines 

or in the 

Music Videos

I was feeling pretty good

about me 

and my brains

and my heart

and the love I give

until

you felt the need to 

bring out 

what I 

am not.

So what is worse?

Is it worse that 

you

(mistakenly)

feel 

that I am not beautiful;

or 

that 

for a 

brief moment

I 

allowed you to 

make me

feel 

the same?

A good song...

What is it? 

What is it about a good song

that invokes a feeling?

Any feeling. 

Why?

Why is it that

Whatever feelings there are

there is a song that will 

match it.

Even if the words are not especially

profound

A song can say a lot

without

unprofound words.

Ahhhh....

It is music.

The music

can invoke the feelings

and match the feelings

wordlessly.

There is no good song

without music, 

because in music, 

one can hear

the voice

of angels.